As a family who has a family bed we are often met with the question of “when will you send them to their own rooms?” Usually the answer involves making some joke about them not coming home from a date and hopping into bed next to mom. The same type of joke given when someone would ask when I was going to wean my child and I would say “well, I am quite sure they won’t come ask me for a sip before walking down the aisle.” These sorts of jokes usually end the conversation with a laugh and help me to politely say “leave me alone, they will do what you are asking when they are ready and not a moment before”.
Our oldest is now 9.5 and I think he actually needs the family bed much more than the other 2, yet he is the one people would question the most. It seems so silly to me still that children are forced to sleep alone and be scared at the time of day that should be the most peaceful and cozy for them. While he still needs the comfort and coziness, the security of sleeping in the family bed, I recently learned another reason he needs it, and the benefit to us.
He had had a rough afternoon, and I had not really been aware of it. He had had a fight with a friend and was trying to work through it. He got in bed and we watched TV for a few minutes. His little brother was already asleep and his dad and sister had not yet come to bed. Instead of withdrawing and being sullen as he tried to work though this, he opened up in the cozy darkness. He talked to me all about the situation, what had happened, what he was feeling and what he was thinking. He listened to me as I shared my thoughts on the subject. We talked for what seemed like a long and heartfelt time. Then he happily snuggled in and fell asleep and has never mentioned the situation again.
I thought about how at his age, many children are starting to pull away from deep conversations with Mom. I thought about how as I try to fall asleep at night there are many times that I replay the day in my head; the good and the bad. Clearly my son does this too. If he had been alone in a room who would have helped him work through this? Who would have let him unburden himself so that he could put the situation to rest, and rest easy in peaceful sleep?
Love it! There is something about being in the dark, being held, being together with someone that is the key for me to opening up and talking to someone as well– it is too hard otherwise. I’ve noticed this about my nearly 12 year old too- although he no longer sleeps in our bed – when I tuck him in is when he wants to talk the most, when he wants to spend time with me, when he opens up. Thanks for reminding me to take that time. 🙂
Exactly Karen! My 11 year-old is very often ready to talk when the lights go out. He and his brother often sleep in their own room together (because they want to stay up late) but they still will sleep with us when feeling unsure. Recently my 11 year old’s hamster died and he slept in the big bed with me, and my husband slept with our 7-year-old. It works. Sometimes on a regular night, just as my eyes are fighting to stay open, my sons want to talk about something important. I remember, as a kid, when all the chaos was resurfacing in the silence at bedtime, too. I really wanted and needed to talk to my mom right then (when she was too busy…) Nighttime is a great opportunity to allow the kids to unravel and share and for all of us to bond. <3